Alman Dave Quiboquibo (ialman) wrote,
Alman Dave Quiboquibo

seek and you shall find

i was already late for work early this morning when i was shuffling past the trident towers in buendia when a man called out a question to me. i almost missed his query because i was consumed by my thoughts, and it may have been the reason that i failed to realize the profound underpinnings of the situation. "boss," the man interrupted me with a wave of his hand, even though i was still 3 steps away from him. "san ba dito matatagpuan ang pag-ibig?" i stopped after taking two more steps, turned around, and pointed to a blue building across the street, about 100 meters away. i resumed walking and didn't even stop to acknowledge his gratitude, but as the word "salamat" sunk deeper into me, i felt something strange inside me when i began to deconstruct the innocuous question, and interpret it as a metaphor for my own aimless wanderings. i have never asked the question myself, not because i know the answer, but because maybe i refuse to recognize the fact that it's something that i am looking for. i have long denied it: not that i am unloved or am incapable of loving -- i have family and friends to provide me with all the emotions that make me feel fuzzy inside -- but i have repeatedly refused to say whether i would ever be settling down. i have said it before and i will say it again: i have fears of commitment.

i know that a lot of people worry about finding someone to spend the rest of their lives with. i have never found myself in that situation. i value my solitude: i find it serene and uncomplicated, and i have seldom been lonely. i don't think i have ever had a bout of depression, in the clinical sense. anything that may have brought about a similar emotion in me in the past was due to over-intellectualization. i still have a tendency to overthink things but i have successfully fought back this sinking feeling that drains all of my energies. but maybe this is just how effective my defense mechanisms are, and that i have more or less given in to the powers of suggestion: if i keep telling myself that i don't need someone, or that a (soul) mate is a creation of people who cannot be complete in themselves, then i will believe it.

recently, i complained about how i am unable to do many of the things i would like to do. i said, i just can't find the time. but could it also be that i am just uninspired? then the next question would be: have i used up all my internal inspirational reserves, that i need an outside source to provide me with reasons to go on dreaming?

i had just helped a man find something he was looking for. i don't know how soon i would come around to asking the same question, and whether the answer would be as simple as pointing to a given direction.
Tags: intellectual masturbation, introspection
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