climb

BS Cigarette Vending

i showed up at court this morning, and i was more interested in getting some shuteye above everything else, but this statement from the fiscal really woke me up:
madam witness, when you were still practicing your profession as a cigarette vendor...

no offense to cigarette vendors all over. although i think they’re peddling a possible source of cancer and pollution, they’re nonetheless engaged in an honest occupation. and that’s precisely it, an occupation (n. the job by which somebody earns a living), and not quite exactly a profession (n. an occupation that requires extensive education or specialized training). although both terms are generally confused with each other, i refuse to accept that the practice of my profession, or other regulated professions (architecture, engineering, nursing, accounting, medicine, etc.) is at par with that of selling cigarettes. i mean, how hard could it be, selling cigarettes? again, i have nothing against cigarette vendors, i just think the statement’s funny, attributable perhaps to the fiscal’s lack of eloquence.

suppose it were a profession, i can imagine what the course outline must be like on the second and third years (after an aspiring cigarette vendor has passed the general education subjects like english, math, speech, natural science, etc.). one might choose among the following subjects:

1. cigarette vendor sounds 100: an introduction to the different sounds required of a cigarette vendor, such as saying stooowrk, sigaarelyo, sigaarelyo, with a precise pitch, among others. after this basic course, one moves on to CVS 102 (the development of the takatak) and CVS 105 (lip puckering and the sutsot). these courses are offered in collaboration with the college of music and the department of speech.

2. cigarette vendor physical education 1: this basic course equips would-be cigarette vendors with the right skills to manage a day in the busy streets of manila. it involves actual jumping out of running buses, running backwards, hanging for dear life from jeepneys and buses, and dodging careening vehicles on the highway. one may choose to specialize in any of these specific skills by taking up CVPE 2. it also involves a special module on how to light cigarettes without burning the smoker’s nose, plus techniques on how to make sticks pop out of their boxes.

3. cigarette vendor psychology 101: have you ever wondered how vendors sometimes know exactly what brand of cigarette you’re looking for? this course teaches aspiring cigarette vendors how to size-up the smoker and guess which stick of poison he or she would prefer.

4. cigarette vendor arithmetic 53: after basic math (algebra, geometry, etc.), the future cigarette vendor is taught the subtle way of replacing coins with candy.

i would suppose it wouldn’t hurt if cigarette vendor wannabes are required by the PRC to pass an exam. they should be able to name all the brands, and be able to tell the difference between local brands and “blue seal.” of course, as with most professions, there is a professional association: CVCP (cigarette vendors confederation of the philippines). add to this a CVCEP (cigarette vendor continuing education program). one mustn’t fall behind, and must keep abreast with the developments.
hello!
(Anonymous)
Alman!!! ano ba naman to! are you trying to be original? You spent a thousand +++ words just to describe possible cigarette vendor courses. Was funny though compared to that horrendous talk show i've had to endure because it was chaired by our CEO heheheh

Marga
Re: hello!
but marga, i'm always original! hehe. i was just trying to amuse myself really, for lack of anything more profound or important to say. besides, it didn't take me too much time to write down those 1000 words. talagang nalibang lang ako. :D