climb

the depression continues

it has come to a point where i want to reassess my relationships with certain groups of people. i am finding the threads of our friendships weak and waning. i want to make myself a little more scarce. i want to fade, become less conspicuous, disappear maybe, catch up on my reading, fill in some blanks of a few unfinished poems. i am beginning to find many of my hedonistic endeavors pointless, too focused on the self, and even unproductive. i want to write more than i already do. as i populate my circle with people who are differently-inclined, i am starting to notice that i am becoming less literate. i want to filter the blood that runs through me. i am turning more paranoid than i usually am. i am starting to feel that people are ganging up on me. i am tired of these very old jokes. and i may not necessarily want new ones. they’re pedestrian and petty. i want to throw a tantrum. i want to walk out on a discussion, ultimately realizing that there is no point arguing with mediocre minds. the more intelligent person loses. i always lose. i want to point out to people that they’re inferior to me. i want to be taken more seriously. not some walking freak show, or coin-operated stand up comic act. i want to be out-of-character for a while. i am losing energy. i need to find new sources of inspiration. i don’t want to reduce the size of my universe. i want to be found, discovered. not used, drained, and discarded.
well right now, all i want to avoid are my prosperous-but-virtually-zero-life-outside-the-law-firm batchmates. sheesh. that dinner at gateway started it all.
(Anonymous)
Ava here. I was at that dinner you're referring to. Alman, if you really wanted to avoid our "prosperous-but-virtually-zero-life-outside-the-law-firm batchmates", you could have simply absented yourself from the scheduled batch dinner at gateway. But you came anyway. By using the aforequoted term, you revealed how judgmental you are-- something that you most definitely have no right to be when it comes to our batchmates. These are people with goals who are putting their legal knowledge and skill to good use. Just because a majority of our batchmates seem to be obsessed with work does not automatically mean that they have no life outside the law firms they work in or that they are not happy with their lives. Just because you climb mountains and have no dedication to your present job does NOT make you a better person than the rest of us. In fact, if you will just admit it to yourself, you probably felt depressed after the dinner because you somehow felt inferior to our batchmates (people whom you considered in law school as being inferior to you) who are starting to achieve-- through their hard work and dedication--their greatest potential as lawyers. Can you in all honesty say the same thing with respect to your work in DENR? You don't have the right to denigrate our batchmates just because you don't want the same things they do. I could not believe that someone who claims to have "patience as long as the Philippine coastline" (which I think is bullshit; you're the most impatient person I know) could be so judgmental. You disappoint me, Alman.
you misread me
ok, that's quite a mouthful. but you tend to blow things out of proportion. nevertheless. i throw your "observations" back at you. i was not being judgmental. and based on your comments, you are the one passing judgment, thinking that our having known each other these past several years makes you think you know me very well. but you don't. and no one really does. in the same way, you have no right to say those things to me, despite the things i've said so far. you cannot say i have no passion for work. you cannot say my work is not as great as our batchmates' noble undertakings. you cannot say that i have no patience, since i've put up with many of you guys for the longest time. and i do not particularly care that you're disappointed. my goal has never been to impress you, or anyone. and lastly, i never asked you to read this entry. would you have felt the same way if you never came across it? and lastly, what i said was based on what more than 1 of our batchmates said that night. ask them. they said so.
maybe it's time we had another lunch. he he
focus on having a good climb in Mariveles. :)
see u at the campsite.
Re: maybe it's time we had another lunch. he he
that's a good idea. anytime's a good time. i need to talk to sapient beings.

and it just so happens you know many of the folks i spoke about in this entry.

i'm almost done packing. hope it doesn't rain too much.
Re: maybe it's time we had another lunch. he he
I have never actually refered to anyone as sapient. Hahaha. That doesn't mean that I don't think anyone around me is sapient. It just seems so patronizing.
Re: maybe it's time we had another lunch. he he
haha. i hope fab_ab doesn't feel that way. i guess i just said that precisely because i was feeling down. i'm generous with praise, and i hope people won't misinterpret it.
Stop living up to expectations.

But don't let go of those people with whom you have a weak connection with. Typically, they are the best sources of new information. :)

Talk to my mom na! It's about my birth certificate. Haha. Quite a simple problem, really, except that the bureaucratic red tape at government agencies is exasperating.
thanks paloys. and sorry i wasn't able to reply to you yesterday. had some physical activities which required me to be separated from my phone for a few hours. and i was actually free to talk this afternoon. sayang.

i guess i just need to do rethink my goals. then again, do i have any? hehe.
introspect...
(Anonymous)

you're the only one who can dissapoint yourself....

how is that possible? you're the one who set your expectation from people you associate yourself with.... ask your self, "why am i hanging out with this people?" WIIFM principle.....

if you genuinely think and expect to be really friends with this "inferior" people, who might not be as loquacious and as learned with the letters as you are (alam ko dahil yan ang major mo), then learn to accept their individual eccentricities,as i know how they (at least most)have accepted yours (totoy bibo act, and all). every day is not your day... or, contemplate with the adage: "if you cant take the heat, get out of the kitchen..."

the thing is..... :p
Re: introspect...
(Anonymous)
I agree. there is no point in insisting on hanging out with people who you think "undermine" your intellectual capabilities. But the thing is you don't have to take all "friendships" at face value. As people tend to look at it the same way (360 degrees oooppss.... 180- pala). There is a need for you to really evaluate the company you keep, the way you project yourself to them and also what your intentions are in hanging out with this people. They will only treat you the way you want them.
i guess the down-in-the-gutters mood may have amplified the things which i would normally throw over my shoulder. it's not that i feel superior or anything, because the confidence that people perceive that i have is only a way to mask the major insecurity i suffer from. it may sound like it, but i just had to say those things, to release some tension, to stop pulling your punches. in all honesty, i am a people person and i can get along with anyone. i don't have a high horse. i don't dwell in an ivory tower. i love the people i'm usually out with, and i honestly think they feel the same way towards me. i guess i may just need to slow things down, as john legend in "ordinary people" suggests, and avoid reaching a point when i'm fed up. i wouldn't want to reach a point of saturation.

and i guess people saw that over the weekend. nothing's changed in the way i deal with people. i'm still cheerful, chipper, and full of life. but yeah, i really do need to read up some more. and write write write.
(Anonymous)
Hey Alman,

Judging from the date, I think I know how this "depression" came about (or maybe assuming lang. Does this have something to do with our post-"Great Raid" gig?). Don't worry, to similarly enlightened minds (I'd like to think I'm one), you're not a "coin-operated stand up comic act". :)

Great posts. You're some writer. I wish I had more angst to write as well as you do. :P

hi maida. yeah, you're right, watching that depressing movie contributed to it. but the depression started a week earlier. it may not be depression really but some form of envy. i don't know.

and yeah, i'm glad people like you are around. hehe. thanks for the boost. i needed that. :D
h i t a d . . .
(Anonymous)
hey alman,

just wanted to tell you this ...HITAD ka! :-) hehehe

you're good in whatever things you do but sometimes you expect too much on what other people should say/do about these! loosen up! :-)

/i2n