27 days

random rumination 2 - my well-being
i went to have a neuro exam yesterday, which took the better part of the day, thus preventing me from going to work. i'd gone to 3 prior hospitals before i ended up at the MAB of st. luke's. visiting all these 3 hospitals could have induced what the doctor warned me about. like i've said before, i fell during the B2K6 acquaintance party and hit my head hard on the bathroom floor. but it didn't knock me out, so i am more or less confident that i sustained no serious head trauma. but what i hate about these consultations (and my general distrust of doctors), is that i had to pay PhP500 for a 10 minute exam, where the doctor confirmed my suspicion that she couldn't find anything wrong with me, and could only suggest that i get a skull x-ray. of course, she did take my blood pressure, and hammered on different parts of my body, and examined the dilation of my pupils, and asked me to walk around her small clinic. she wrote things down on a piece of paper: danger signs. so i should be on the lookout for headaches, escalating in intensity; continued vomiting; high fever; weakness or numbness; drowsiness; seizures and convulsions. i would've thought that visiting her would have driven out the paranoia, but instead, now i'm psychosomatic. i'm thinking do i feel feverish? am i drowsy? do i suddenly feel the urge to purge? am i having a headache?

so i'm still waiting for news whether i can charge my skull x-ray to my medicard.

in the meantime, i've been thinking about my state of health. while i've never been the healthiest person in the world, i'm not necessarily sickly. at least, not recently. my physical activities more or less keep me looking healthy, and i must say that i've never felt better, despite my getting older. most of the time, i just exaggerate my condition to avoid going to work or to class. there was once a time in my young adolescent life though that i was confined. i don't remember being sick at the time, and i think it may have been a routine check-up. then all of a sudden. these doctors are connecting me to IVs and stuff while my mom was watching. i don't remember exactly how long i stayed in the hospital. or for what reason. but i did develop a general disdain for hospitals and doctors, and that nagging feeling that they brought disease rather than cure. so now i've more or less turned to self-medication.

nevertheless, i will not deny that i sometimes have this idea at the back of my head that i have a time bomb inside of me. that i may appear to be in the pink of health now, but deep inside is something not yet known, as unpredictable as a sudden volcanic eruption. sometimes, i worry that i'd be hit by this while i'm up in the mountains. but i've pushed myself to the limits of my health and sanity, and yet none of the nightmares i've imagined have happened.

oh well, i tend to think of worst case scenarios. i really should get a real check-up to determine how healthy or how sick i am. i have yet to get myself any of those mixed life insurance/pension plans, largely because i think companies like that are big cons. i was a litigating lawyer very briefly, but i encountered quite an overwhelming number of cases involving refusals of insurance companies to pay. i think it's a scam really. but i wouldn't impose that idea on other persons. it's just me.

random rumination 3 - accidents
in a way, i've been lucky. it's not my first time to fall. i've had several falls in the past, and this i've also said in an earlier entry. but yes, i've been lucky, in the sense that nothing life-threatening or fatal has come my way. yes, i've burned myself in several places. yes, i've suffered many deep physical wounds that have left ugly scars. yes, i've fallen off trees. yes, i've had a lot of that. they've made me uglier than i already am, but they've also taught me something very important: that each time i fall, there is a lesson to be learned, and that the first thing i should do is to get up, dust myself, and continue walking.

one of my more profound scars is the one located on my left hand, opposite my palm. they're particularly large burn scars, and i often get asked about them. some have asked if they are the result of a hazing ritual. i've told the story before, and i may not have accurately related it, but it was the result of a hot iron falling over my hand. my mom said she had just finished ironing clothes, and left the iron standing, to cool. i, inquisitive toddler that i was, pulled a chair to the horse, got up and put my hands on the board. and the rest is a blur. my mom says i didn't cry out loud. my older brother says i bawled.