1 day

random rumination number 26 - insanity
perhaps one of the most troubling stories i've ever read was garcía márquez's "i only came to use the phone". it confirms, in a way, my long-held suspicion that psychiatry is crap. i dread the (maybe not-so) faint possibility that i might myself be committed to an institution for being more than normal. my own understanding of sanity is based on a pre-conceived societal -- if not medical -- norm. but yes, i have, many times, been described as crazy, and i think there's more there than just a joke about my unusual personality.

i have, more than once, entertained the idea that i might actually be medically insane. and no more was this true when i was spending late nights and early mornings awake, writing my senior legal paper. for the week that i crammed the 54-page collection of legal dribble, i kept hearing voices in my head. like voices you hear when you're in a big crowd where you know no one. many voices, all talking at the same time, and you can't make out what anyone is saying. i have pounded on my head, walked around in circles, and have sung aloud to ward off the sounds. and this was not the first time -- nor the last -- that i've experienced something similar. each time i am highly stressed, this "disorder" arrests me. i think i am holding on to a very thin thread, and anytime it could snap. or who knows -- it could've snapped long ago, and i am merely manifesting a prolonged interval of lucidity. but of course those who do know me will disagree -- i am crazy. extremely. not just weird or a little off the hook. most definitely crazy.

i'm also extremely paranoid, that i think i should get professional help on this, or at least, i ought to get confirmation that my thoughts aren't true. this is somewhat different from the voices since i don't suffer this in fits, or as an attack, but regularly. like everyday. somehow, i think people conspire against me. i think people around me, whether those i consider friends, are embroiled in some grave conspiracy to do me harm -- maybe not physically, but certainly something not good.

random rumination number 27 - daydreamer
one of my favorite pastimes is to daydream. imagine situations while i'm very wide awake. stare blankly into space, and sigh, or smile, or nod conspicuously. i hardly ever remember my nocturnal dreams, so i turn to the fantasies that preoccupy me at daytime, when i'm suffering my long commute to and from the office, when my mind wanders off during a long trek, or when my brain can't focus on a work assignment that needs to be done. i fantasize a lot about how different my life would be had it been this or that. i imagine great things. wonderful things. my daydreams aren't consistent, in that there is no one story that i've held on to -- i easily lose interest in something that's impossible. but i do keep my daydreams for a long time, sometimes months. right now, my current daydream is meeting a beautiful european woman in a poetry reading where i am invited to read a poem, and she falls in love with me, and i with her, and we have beautiful twins, and we agree because we're both artists. in the daydream, we don't even marry. we just travel the world. enjoy life. she paints. i write. i get published and earn international renown. she paints only for herself and refuses to hold exhibits. my daydreams are very very detailed. even how our summer villa's architecture has a blueprint in my imagination.

my other daydreams: winning the lottery. for some odd reason, the figure that's in my mind is 28 million. always. and i've decided on which cars to buy, which condominium to purchase. which is odd, since, except for the one time i accompanied a friend to the lotto outlet, i've never actually been serious about any games of chance.

random rumination number 28 - sexuality
my views on sexuality have changed over the years, from very rigid ideas that were, in part, due to my religious upbringing, to very extremely progressive, i would like to think, due largely to my education, within and without the classroom. however, i still am pretty traditional in many ways. i still find myself slightly offended when a woman talks about sex, finding it somewhat inappropriate -- in a funny way. i don't think of the woman as a whore, but i just prefer not to hear her talk about it. like when my then recently-married classmate asked me to confirm if all penises were the this long, and she takes out a ballpen, to which i merely responded that, well, the average penis should be that long, but not that thin. i am not a very sexually-charge person myself, and get embarrassed by jokes that delve on the topic of sex, although i will admit, my own sexuality hews closely to how i view it: fluid, indistinguishable, incapable of strict definition, without labels or names. in a way, that makes me controversial. but lately, i've stopped caring about how other people think, and how and why they enjoy making conclusions about me, or about other people in general. perhaps the relish on minutiae. and alas, that is not my problem, but theirs.

random rumination number 29 - destiny
i don't necessarily think that it's written in the book of life that i will be great. i think it unfair that some people, who are probably just as ambitious or talented, will not succeed in life just because it's not his or her destiny. i think i will be great, because it is a destiny i consciously choose. "greatness", of course to me, only means that i choose not to be anonymous, even after death. my idea of success isn't so much dependent on the assets i will be amassing, but rather, on the positive impact i will be making in the lives of many people, so much so that i hope to be remembered, years after i am gone. unlike most people, who go to school, or focus on a career with a very well-defined and concrete idea of what they want to do and become, i have a more abstract vision: regardless of what i will become, i know that it is something that will be a force in the lives of many. how that will happen, i do not know exactly yet. i just refuse to accept the fact that we are just doing things to make this existence a lot more bearable. i refuse to believe that we take on jobs to pay the rent, that we go to school merely to get a degree.