day zero

not so random rumination number 30 - a hasty generalization
in the last 30 days, i spoke about turning 30 as though i were counting the last days in my life. many of the last few entries were heavy with drama, introspection, nostalgia, and some sort of mental exhibitionism. but i've overly anticipated this event because i bid goodbye to my tumultuous twenties -- a decade in which i went through many things. and i guess it's pretty obvious that this date is made more significant that on this specific 30th of august, i also turn 30.

so the questions that've been asked me today are these: what's my catharsis? what's my realization? i don't think that will occur anytime soon, as i relish or regret the addition of age, but while it isn't happening, i might as well force myself to making some conclusions, based on the random ruminations i've made in the last 30 days.

what i've dreaded really is the somewhat guilty feeling that i haven't amounted to anything. this is quite an unfair statement. it really is a matter of comparing myself to a certain group of people, and measuring how much we've accomplished. but what is the criteria? is it wealth? surely, i pale in comparison to most of my colleagues in law school -- they who are now nearing the completion of their payments for a car, who have started investing in a house, who've traveled far, who own fat bank accounts. but i really should not feel inferior to them, just because they are richer than i am. wealth is but one of the ways by which we measure how far we've gone. and yes, i have no car to show off, no house to speak of, no big checks to sign. but this is not the result of my incompetence. rather, it is a product of conscious lifestyle decision. i shunned the path of law practice -- that which would've guaranteed me much wealth and perhaps some measure of fame, if i could only survive the 7 day work week and the 12 hour work shifts. but i didn't want that, and i shouldn't think of myself as any less brilliant, or less successful, just because i earn less. besides, i am not poor. yes, i've ruminated much on my family's poverty, and there are stories i cannot even begin to retell, but then, i don't go hungry. and i have some disposable income which satisfies much of my desires.

and i cannot begin to think about how many of my friends in law school would envy the kind of life i live: i worry not about work when i'm not in the office, my weekends are my own, and i don't stress about most things. so i shouldn't say that i'm a disappointment to myself or to anyone. i am well aware of the fact that other people admire what i have so humbly accomplished. my resumé isn't something to be ashamed of, and although i have tended to spread myself thinly over many things, i have never been mediocre in all of those things. lowell is right -- i have always been brilliant in all of my endeavors.

i have not given up on myself, and the destiny which i so consciously chose. it's significant that rhinitis SMSed me this message today: "go confidently in the direction of your dreams". that is exactly what i should do. i carry with me the weight of my experiences -- not all of them are good -- but the worst ones are perhaps the reasons why i am so much stronger today.

so what have i realized? that turning 30 isn't something to be dreaded. it matters little that i seem to have taken an altogether different path in my life. what's important is that i am still on course. whether i've taken a shortcut, or a more challenging route, i'll know in a while. for now, i say, happy birthday to me. 30 never felt so young.
Two Quotes
"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart ... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens."
Carl Jung

Happy birthday po.

"If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, 'thank you,' that would suffice."
Meister Eckhart

Salamat sa random thoughts.
It actually goes like this:

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined." -- Henry David Thoreau

Anyway, happy birthday. :)